From the inside out

blogIMG_1469Something happened recently that really knocked me for a loop – a real sucker punch. 

Sucker punch definition:  “a punch made without warning, allowing no time for preparation or defense on the part of the recipient.” 

Yep, that’s what it felt like to the point of making me physically ill. It literally gave me a ferocious headache and turned my stomach and nerves inside out.

The funny thing – well not funny as in ha-ha, funny as in strange – is that subconsciously, I must have sensed it was coming.   Something just hasn’t felt quite right for a long time in this particular instance. 

The situation was invading my thoughts and increasing my stress level to the point of keeping me awake at night and sending me into rants and bouts of anxiety.  Through it all, I am most grateful for a caring, supportive husband and family who always lent a listening ear and an encouraging word.

But still, being sucker punched sends you reeling.  It not only broadsides you, it hurts.  And what stings the most is a sense of betrayal that you feel from the so-called friends who deliver the sucker punch and then expect you to be perfectly fine with it.  Well, there is an old saying for that:  “Fool me once, shame on you.   Fool me twice, shame on me.”

So the damage is done.  And honestly, so am I.  I have never in my life felt more disrespected, dishonored, and undervalued.  And angry.  Nor have I ever felt, as I do in this case, that I truly had no choice in the matter. 

But I do now.  So I must somehow work through this and put my inside negative emotions behind me, pick myself up, dust myself off…and as the song says, “start all over again.”

And by starting all over again, I know where I will put my trust – in my Savior.  He is the only One who never lets me down.  Who never makes me angry.  Who never disrespects me nor does me harm.  He is the only One I can count on – unequivocally and for the long haul.  Jesus promised, “…I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” (Matthew 28:20)

This entire situation reminds me of a quote from Corrie Ten Boom: “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

I can compare my situation to being trapped in a lengthy, dark tunnel of anxiety and unhappiness and just as I thought I was coming out of that tunnel into the light of day, someone shoved my train completely off the track.

I find it remarkable and not a coincidence that this week’s photo challenge has been “inside” because I’m still dealing with so many churning thoughts and emotions inside.  I’ve been trapped inside a situation for too long, sitting motionless inside an endless tunnel.  But looking ahead and trusting in my God, I see there’s light at the end.  All I have to do is move forward, trust the engineer of my life, and get outside.

It won’t be easy. I have a lot of negative emotions to work through and some serious plans of action to consider.  From the inside out, my soul really does cry out.  But I know who I can lean on…and now I know who I can’t.

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” ~ Joseph Campbell

©2013 mamasemptynest.wordpress.com

 

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3 responses

  1. ok—first of all, with your well-placed faith and trust in God, you are (pardon the expression) on the right track. I pray for healing from your hurt. I don’t know about you, but when I am sucker-punched I begin to wonder whether or not I am accurate about anyone! Now, you know you are a loving and faith-filled lady. Your husband and true friends are a testament to that. The naysayers, the bullies in disguise, the one(s) who sucker punch you ~ well, they are wrong to do that. There is no reasonable explanation for their behavior. I pray that you are FLOODED and I do mean FLOODED with folks who restore, build you up, bolster your faith…..are an oasis and a safe place. You are loved and cherished. I am sorry for the pain you are going through.

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    • Yes, that’s exactly it — when you are thrown for such a loop (ie sucker punched), you start doubting your own judgment and actions, even what you think and believe. It’s just such a blow and sends you reeling. And that’s exactly what happened to me in this situation. Thank you for your prayers. God truly has been flooding my soul; and He has brought comfort to me through fellow believers who have shared with me their own stories of pain and how God has sustained them through it. I really am so very thankful for that and for you, my friend!

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