I’m feeling weary. Worn down. Lifeless. Listless. Blue and maybe even a tad depressed.
In the beginning of summer’s season, I compiled a list of all the things I would accomplish this summer. My list is untouched and unchecked. No inclination and no motivation whatsoever to knock those things off.
Sometimes I get this way in the summer when I’m weighed down with oppressive heat and humidity – the kind that renders me claustrophobic and like each breath is a major undertaking because it’s just so thick outside an air-conditioned house. But this year, I can’t place the blame on the weather or summer’s season.
Stifling, sticky days have not been the norm this summer. Instead, moderate temperatures have warmed the days and summer evenings have proven cool, often downright chilly. And I like that. I sleep like a hibernating bear when my bedroom windows are open and the night air breezily wafts in through the window screens causing me to pull the covers up and snuggle into them.
While most folks here complain that we haven’t had much of a summer because it hasn’t been stinking hot, I’ve been relishing the coolness of it. So why am I feeling so drained and so downcast? It’s not heat. It’s not the humidity. It’s not lack of sleep. It’s not an absence of relaxation. It’s not stress (I don’t think).
I can tell you all the things it’s not….but I can’t tell you what it IS. I can’t put my finger on what exactly is making me so lethargic, so weary, so languid.
So I finally got around to scheduling an appointment with the doctor. Because maybe it’s physical. Or maybe not. But I was overdue for a check-up, way overdue. And just as I expected, my calendar is now full of more appointments for this test or that, for follow-up on this, and to see a specialist for that.
And somehow, I have to squeeze all these in between a daughter who needs me as she faces surgery that will require some MLC (Mom’s Loving Care), some dental work that also needs accomplished, and my work-load at my job which will ramp up in September.
I had a heart to heart talk with God asking Him, “What is this? Why am I feeling so downright down in the dumps?” because I’m feeling the same way spiritually as well – dry as a desert…too parched and spent to even pick up His Living Word for spiritual refreshment. And that’s not like me. I wait for His answer. But it hasn’t come…yet. Because sometimes the answer is long coming. Sometimes it’s not the answer you hoped to hear. Sometimes there just doesn’t seem to be an answer at all.
But that doesn’t mean He doesn’t hear my prayers or that He doesn’t care or that He’s forgotten me. It just means I must make the effort to seek, to pray, to listen. It’s that effort part that’s difficult to dredge up.
So I gather it all up, roll it in a ball, and garnish this weary, down-trodden feeling with a smidgen of melancholy because after spending nearly three weeks enjoying some family time with my oldest sister and brother-in-law, we had to wish them farewell. And oh, the tears flowed when they left to journey back to their home too far away.
And I’m left feeling sad, and lonely, and a little lost.
You know some days, you just want to cry. And you don’t even know why.
But I do know one thing – it was so much easier when I could use menopause as the scapegoat for life with all of its ups and downs and roller coaster emotions. Maybe it’s just that same old scenario that sneaks up behind me and gives me a good whack now and then – that empty nest syndrome.
Whatever it is, I’m hoping when fall arrives, and God sends that crisp, fresh air season – the one which I love and which invigorates me – the change of seasons will just whisk whatever this is on out of here, once and for all.
Because honestly, I’m tired of being tired of it.
“I may not be there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.” ~Author Unknown