Don’t let them know, but after my humans left for church this morning, I turned on this contraption that Mama always seems to have on her lap now days instead of me.
I better let you know, it’s me typing this…Callie…the calico cat in the empty nest. I don’t know why Mama keeps telling people she lives in an empty nest. Excuse me, what am I, chopped liver? Chopped liver….that sounds pretty good actually. Wait a minute while I scour the kitchen floor and see if they left any crumbs from breakfast lying around.
Drat, she must have swept the floor recently, nothing good to nom on. Of course, my humans don’t eat chopped liver. If they did, I would know because I always instantly smell what they’re cooking or eating and patiently wait beside the kitchen table by the big tall one, the one my fun humans call Dad. He’s a softie, that one. He always gives me a few bites of whatever he eats.
The short round one who refers to herself as Mama, she’s a meanie. Never gives me her food. But she does provide pretty sweet kitty treats for me from time to time. However, she has the audacity to expect me to perform tricks to get a treat. Can you believe that??? A cat doing tricks…[shakes head]
I usually comply with her shenanigans because those treats are very tasty and she’s such a stickler, she won’t just hand some over to me. No, she makes me sit, dance and beg. And then she has the nerve to make me get my own tidbits out of the can. She’s a trip, but I do admit I like it when she pays attention to me.
Oh yeah, that’s been a problem lately. She’s been ignoring me A LOT! I don’t understand it. You would think that since the fun humans moved out and left us all alone that I would be receiving the royal treatment like I deserve. By the way, I really like those three younger humans, especially the male one; I love licking his tasty ears.
But since they’re gone, wouldn’t you think Mama would just dote on me? Shouldn’t she be fawning over me instead of this black thing without fur? I try so hard to see why she’s attracted to this box, but every time I attempt to walk over the typing buttons or see what’s on the screen, she pushes me away. How rude!
You know I wouldn’t be so offended if it wasn’t winter and I didn’t have cat cabin fever. I absolutely hate snow! I hate it when it’s cold! I don’t know why Mama gushes over and over again about liking cold weather. I think she’s nuts.
Cold weather, that’s the problem. I don’t want to go outside when it’s frigid, snowy or rainy and sometimes just because I’m feeling a little antsy having to stay in the house, Mama gets all huffy with me and dumps me outside on the front porch or on the back deck. How could she do that to me?
So what if I make her get up from whatever she’s doing every five minutes to let me in and out of the garage? We wouldn’t have this problem if they would keep my litter box inside the house. And sometimes I just like to go out there for a change of scenery. Can I help it if I awaken from my daytime naps and I’m hungry? I hear her telling Dad that I am a pest! That really burns me.
She gets mad when I sneak upstairs to sleep on my missing humans’ beds. Well, I miss them and their beds are comfy. They always paid more attention to me than she does. She gets mad if I follow her around in the kitchen when I can smell darn well that she’s making food. She gets mad if I think I might want to go outside (you know, just to check if it’s suddenly gotten warmer) and then I decide no way, it’s too cold and I run away to hide when she opens the door to the deck.
She also gets mad when I sit at the front door and sniff to see if I can catch a whiff of something interesting. For some reason, she thinks I want to go out in the freezing cold weather so she opens the door and I just sit there looking at her and won’t step outside! And then she gets mad all over again and tells me I’m driving her crazy!
Well, she drives me crazy. Listen, I’m not a noisy kitty. I’m very gentile and well-mannered so I don’t loudly meow at her. Can I help it if she’s so engrossed in her black box that she doesn’t hear my soft lady-like “mee-ahhs” when I need something?
When she ignores my pleas for help, I jump up behind her if she’s sitting on a kitchen chair or sometimes reach up and tap her with my paw and she actually shoves me away! Then she gets mad again if I accidently sink my claw into her leg. Well, how else can I get her attention?
Personally, I think she wouldn’t be so provoked at me all the time if she would just do what I want her to do, focus on my needs, play with me when I want to play, pet me when I want petted and ignore this weird box. After all, I can’t wait for spring to come too. She’s not the only one here that’s experiencing cabin fever!
I can’t wait to go outside and chase some birds. I can’t wait to take my naps in sunshine on the warm wooden planks of the deck. I can’t wait to guard the yard from pesky intruders in the evening. I can’t wait to jump at flying bugs and roll around in the green grass and eat some of it too. I’m tired of staying in the house all winter, but it’s much too cold to be outside and I don’t want wet paws.
Instead I am cooped up in this house with one cranky Mama who tells me I’m getting too fat and that I’m annoying sometimes. If she would just let me sleep where ever I want, eat whenever I want and stop complaining that I’m making her hot when I’m trying to catch a few zzz’s on her lap, maybe I wouldn’t be so antsy.
She just needs to stop devoting so much time to her “blog” (I don’t really understand what that is anyway, but I know it’s not as pretty as me!) and play with me, stroke my head and talk to me. Is that too much to ask?
Uh-oh, I hear the garage door going up. That means my humans are back. I’ve got to sign off, but before I go stick my nose out the garage door to see if it’s warmer outside, could you do me a favor?
Tell Mama the cat’s out of the bag. Tell her you know she’s been ignoring me and you won’t read the stuff she puts in this box any more until she starts paying more attention to me! Mee-ahh. [That’s thanks in kitty speak.]