Warning! A strange and infectious epidemic has quickly overtaken my neck of the woods.
This peculiar ailment seems to have infected a huge segment of the population here and few people are immune to it.
Word has it that this disorder actually has spread beyond our borders into pockets of communities all over the country as well.
A highly contagious fever accompanies this affliction and many appear to be defenseless against the insanity it causes. Beware, or you too may be affected by this raging contagion. It reportedly has consumed the air waves – TV, radio and even the internet, including email, Facebook and YouTube, are already infected.
This frenzied fever encompasses its victim’s mind and body. It appears to possess people’s brain functions to the point of apoplexy where the fever is all one can think or talk about, so evidently, this condition has highly addictive properties.
In an effort to educate you about this widespread virus, here is a list of symptoms you should watch for:
- Heightened state of emotions;
- Excitability and/or delirium;
- Fanatical thoughts about the game of football;
- Obsessive behavior including the donning of only black and gold colored clothing;
- Irrational and compulsive spending on non-essential trinkets, clothing, jewelry, purses, blankets, flags or tote bags with a particular logo emblazoned on item;
- Compulsive desire to adorn your body, home, car, desk or anything within sight with black and gold paraphernalia;
- Assuming the identity of a pro football player by the wearing of a numbered black and gold jersey with said player’s name imprinted on back;
- Fixated thoughts about seven massive, elaborate rings;
- Spontaneously bursting into raucous rounds of singing “Here We Go”;
- Zealous preparation for hours of extreme tail-gating and/or party-going;
- Propensity to spend outrageous sums of money to acquire entrance into an arena packed full of frenzied people;
- Entering a trance-like condition where you stand for hours in freezing cold weather conditions and/or snow to watch grown men engage in a game;
- Uncontrollable seizures in which your arm starts wildly waving a “terrible towel” non-stop to the point of paralysis;
- Intermittent fits of agitation and elation complete with intense screaming to the point of hoarseness or completely losing your voice.
If you display one of more of these symptoms in the next few days, you have indeed acquired the frenzied “Steelers Fever.” There is no treatment; you must simply let the affliction run its course.
After Sunday, the fever either will dissipate and a state of depression will set in or the condition will accelerate wildly until February.
It appears my family has succumbed to this ubiquitous fever. I’ll let you know the prognosis after Sunday.
For now, I must sing “Here We Go, Steelers!” and I have an uncontrollable urge to go find something black and gold in my closet.