“You know you’re getting older when your back goes out more than you do.” [Ba-dum-bum] Even though it can be comical to everyone else, getting older is no joke.
I’m discovering this as I glide along, albeit unwillingly, on what I refer to as the “down slide” of my 50’s.
For those of you who don’t get my drift, that means I’m on the second half of that decade counting down to the 60’s. And I don’t mean on the golden oldies chart.
I used to get a charge out of watching comedians do their spiels, but as I age, I find that not too many comedians make me laugh any more. Most of them are too vulgar or just plain old not funny.
Comedian Bill Engvall usually does make me laugh though – heartily – out loud. It cracks me up when he tells a story about something so blatantly obvious and then retorts, “Here’s your sign,” in that down home accent of his.
So today, I’m borrowing his trademark. If any of these pertain to you, well…..here’s your sign!
You know you’re getting older when:
- the only time your phone rings, it’s either a telemarketer or your doctor’s office reminding you of your next appointment.
- you care more about whether your hair color covers all your gray than how silky your hair feels after dyeing it – actually, you could care less what color it is, just cover the gray!
- you purchase a car not because of how it looks, what color it is, or even based on its performance, but whether you can climb in and out of it easy enough.
- you find yourself wondering if you need to get your hearing checked after your daughter informs you, “This is Ken’s Mom’s chili recipe,” and you repeat, “King Kong’s chili recipe????”
- you keep turning up the volume on your TV but telling your kids to turn down the volume of their music.
- you find yourself falling asleep on the couch at 7:30 on a Friday night watching “Wheel of Fortune.”
- you talk about someone you know who is in his 70’s and you refer to him as “not that old.”
- the only numbers you seem to remember are your blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol.
- bathroom habits take on way too much importance (enough said!).
- you go to the mall to “walk and talk” not to “shop till you drop.”
- you have sleep issues because you either fall asleep at inappropriate times or can’t sleep when it’s bedtime.
- your doctor gives you embarrassing pamphlets to read “just in case” and when your nosy daughter incredulously inquires, “Do you have incontinence?”, you respond “Duh, North America!” because you thought she asked, “Do you have any continents?”
- your daughter thinks either A. you are losing your hearing, B. you are losing your mind, or C. you’ve lost both.
- your medicine cabinet never lacks Tums or Mylanta.
- you can’t remember where the cat is, then hours later, you must rescue her from the trunk of your car, which is parked in a city parking garage near your daughter’s place of employment (true story!).
- rolling out of bed in the morning is more of a procedure than an action.
- hubby asks you to remind him of something important and you BOTH forget.
- you are invited to a party and you show up the day after it’s over.
- you not only can’t find your car keys or cell phone, heck, where is the car?
- you think an exciting evening of entertainment is when there’s something good to watch on TV.
- you can’t eat or drink anything with caffeine after a certain time of day or you’ll be up all night, wide-eyed, but probably not bushy-tailed.
- the oldies play on the radio, you remember all the songs and sing along, but you can’t remember what you did yesterday.
- you start repeating yourself, you start repeating yourself, you start repeating yourself…oh.
- you convince yourself that you have some rare disorder and when you show and/or describe your symptoms to your doctor, he says, “Nope, just a sign of aging.”
- you still refer to your twenty-something children and their friends as “the kids,” and they are all have better paying jobs than you do.
- your “get up and go” got up and went, and you didn’t even notice.
And finally, “you know you’re getting older when you know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.” You have to realize you just might be older than dirt. How do I know? Look in the mirror. Here’s your sign.